Okay, I don’t usually like to talk about my job much due to confidentiality concerns. However, there has been some things going on that are related to what I do.
With that being said, I want to make it clear that this has nothing to do with my current teaching position. I am enjoying my current job and am thankful for the positive change.
PTSD…have you heard of it? It mostly is associated with soldiers coming back from war. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder-yes, it is real. Very, very real. I have to deal with this on a very minimal level. I was not in war. I hate talking about this, because I would hate that people would think I was trying to attention-seek or over-dramatize this disorder.
My past job has involved me being attacked by a student multiple times a day. She was about the same height as me and wanted to hurt me. I had the responsibility of managing this behavior as well as the other adults in my classroom and 5 other students. This behavior was terrifying, painful and incredibly stressful. I was not alone in this situation and my heart goes out to those who had to experience this with me. Leaving this position was what I needed to do and I am thankful I did. I hate to be a quitter, but I realize, now, how much I was losing while working in this situation. I was out of options and ideas. It was time for me to do something else.
My point in bringing this up is not to complain or gain sympathy. I want to let people know more about PTSD. I am obsessed with behavior, including my own. I have a lot of fear in my life now. I had become completely afraid of my horses. I had no trust in them and felt like disaster was going to happen no matter what. Even Willie made me nervous!
I became afraid of large crowds, loud noises, people who move quick, people who were upset, etc. The smallest thing sets my adrenaline off. I cannot explain how my brain had become programmed in a way that actually put myself in more danger rather than protect myself. Due to the aggression coming out in a teaching atmosphere, I was not able to defend myself. I could not fight back. I could not fight for someone else’s safety. I just had to take it. I have scars from being bitten, scratched, hair pulled out of my head by the handful, slapped, punched, head-butted, etc. All of this happened and I could not defend myself.
Thankfully, for those who encounter me in a “moment” where I am reacting to my PTSD, I don’t fight back. I don’t punch people in the face. I don’t lose physical control. Most people don’t even know I am having a “moment” because I look completely calm.
However, my body is experiencing an complete chemical meltdown. I experience an adrenaline rush. Being someone who does not enjoy roller coasters and other risk-taking events, this is really hard on me. It is hard to feel like you cannot control yourself.
As time has gone by and I am no longer in this situation, my life is changing. I still have my “moments”. Things still trigger my PTSD. I am starting to overcome some of the obstacles. I am learning to be in crowds more and more. I am able to rationalize things more. I still get scared easily by loud noises and sudden movements. The other day, I came out into the kitchen and my mother was there. During the early morning, I am usually up on my own. She scared the living daylights out of me. I screamed and the whole house was up. Oops! But, it was something unexpected and I felt it for most of the day. It sounds illogical, but that is what my brain has been programmed to do.
As I extend my time away from that situation, I realize how intense I was in order to cope with my job. I realize how I never noticed little things in life, nature, work, relationships, etc. I was so stressed I did not make time to be healthy, enjoy people and relax. I couldn’t relax. The longer I am away, the more I realize I how dysfunctional I had become.
I recently talked to another teacher who told me her plight. She had been attacked my a student and suffered from PTSD. She suffered so severely, she got into a car accident from over-reacting to a random situation. She has gotten professional help and is doing much better.
As each day goes by, I am getting better. I can feel it. One of my co-workers had told me that I wouldn’t believe how stressed out I was until I was away from it. I notice it more and more each day. I am thankful for relaxation and peace. I do not regret going through this situation; however, I never want to go through it again!
Sorrel With Spots 